It is not possible to tell my life story in this one article. I want to tell the world about Jesus and how he is turning my life completely around. I endured a lot of abuse in my life, both in my childhood and throughout much of my adult life. I became a victim, someone who perpetually believed they had no control over what happened to them. My parents molested me and used me for their own purpose. I was in an abusive marriage. I felt I had no value as a human being, nor did I feel I could do anything to stop the abuse. And there was no responsibility taken for my own actions. Everything was everybody else’s fault.
I wish I could tell you that my life changed dramatically once I received Jesus into my heart. It didn’t. Not because of Him, but because of me. I didn’t trust anybody, not even God. I wish I could tell you that I’m no longer broken, but I can’t even do that. I’m still a work in progress.
Walking with Jesus doesn’t take away all your problems. He isn’t a genie in a bottle, nor is He a fairy godmother. It has taken me many years of my life to understand that. I wanted the abuse to stop in my life. Period. But Jesus doesn’t work that way. He wanted to teach me some things I needed in order to become the woman He intended for me to be. I had to learn that He has a part to do and so do I. I had to learn that without faith (trust) I couldn’t please Him. To make a relationship work, both parties have to work together.
My parents molested me my entire childhood. Young children cannot always handle that much abuse and pain and as in many cases, my mind shut down. Every time an incident would happen, my mind would block out the memories. In other words, I came to live in a fantasy world, a make-believe world. That didn’t make the abuse stop, but it kept me from losing my mind and helped me to deal with the abuse as a child. Unfortunately, it didn’t stop my heart from becoming full of hate, bitterness and jealousy that grew and lasted for many years. My heart became hard.
The abuse continued because of living in that fantasy world and not remembering most of what happened. There were several circumstances that I did remember from my childhood that helped me to know something wasn’t right. When I was 7 or 8, I was out in the barn with my dad, screaming that I was going to tell on them. He picked up a horsewhip and beat me with it. That beating taught me that I had to accept the abuse and whatever was done to me. I could fight it all I wanted, but I couldn’t stop it. That beating taught me there was nobody coming to my rescue, and that I had accept whatever happened to me.
There were a few more important details I remembered from my childhood that defined who I was and who I became, but that beating made it possible for the devil to keep me in bondage for many, many years. Before leaving my childhood home, I had already gotten into an abusive relationship that resulted in 35 years of an abusive marriage. I even ended up in a job with an abusive boss. That isn’t surprising when I look back on my life. I was a victim. I had a victim mentality.
According to WebMD (Please read the full article to understand what a victim mentality is: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-victim-mentality) the definition of a victim mentality is someone who claims everything that happens to them is the fault of others. It might be the fault of their partner, family, co-worker, or friend. They constantly complain about the bad things that happen in their lives. They don’t take any responsibility, asserting that the circumstances aren’t in their control. They argue that they have no control over the tough situations and problems they encounter. It is simply always happening to them. Victims take things personally. Even if a comment or statement wasn’t directed at them, they will still absorb it as if it was. People who have a victim mentality have usually suffered through trauma or hard times, but haven’t developed a proper way to cope. As a result, they develop a negative view of life. Because they don’t think anything is their fault, they have little or no sense of responsibility for their life. It just happens to them. People with a victim mentality have no accountability for their own actions. They seek validation and help from others, but in gaining sympathy for their trauma, it can stop them from truly wanting to change their life.
I did suffer abuse at the hands of others. That beating from my dad made me subconsciously become a “victim”. When I was 12 years old, he got me pregnant and then beat me to make me lose the baby. My mom was a party to all this, so I had no one to tell or talk to. As a child, we often have little recourse to change the situation ourselves, although there are times we can tell an adult, maybe a teacher or a relative. Again, in my case, since I did not remember events after they happened, I wasn’t able to reach out, and to be honest, after that beating, I really just gave up hope of anything changing or becoming better.
My story isn’t just about the abuse in my life, but it is about what Jesus has done and continues to do. But I had to let him. Even when I didn’t really trust Him, I had to just hold on, hoping that He could do something to help me and that He would. He does, but it took me many years to finally realize that. I couldn’t trust the ones I could see let alone someone I couldn’t see.
Before leaving my parents’ house, I started dating a guy that told me we were getting married. Having a victim mentality, I felt I had no choice. The ironic thing is, he went to church and nagged me to go. If it wasn’t doing him any good, I didn’t see the point of going myself. For years, I would go sporadically. When I would go, I felt this strange “drawing”. Jesus was trying to get my attention. Jesus says in John 6;44 No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him…
Jesus was trying to draw me to Him. After many (wasted) years, I finally conceded and said yes to God. He started filling me with His Word. He sent me to teach and preach, to have Bible studies. I was a certified lay speaker in the church. But I still couldn’t get what Jesus was trying to tell me. He wanted a relationship with me. I wanted the abuse to stop, and I was seeking Jesus for a magic wand to give me what I wanted.
After several years, Jesus finally took me physically out of the abusive marriage. He told me He was only taking me out because I wasn’t getting what He was trying to teach me. Sounds cruel, but now I can look back and see why. He also told me that He took me out because before He could heal one wound, there were many more.
Now I was physically out of the abuse, but not emotionally. I wanted to take off running into this new life. I wanted to have a closer relationship with my kids and grandchildren. But I quickly realized something was wrong. It was me. I had many years of abuse to overcome. I still didn’t trust God. I am forever grateful for His grace and mercy that kept me through this time. He didn’t forsake me just like His Word says.
Hebrews 13:5; Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.
John 14:18; I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.
Jesus kept His promise. Over the next many years, He took me through a very hard time. He caused me to remember things I would rather not have remembered. What He told me, fit like a puzzle piece with the things I had remembered. Many times, it felt like He was slamming my face into a brick wall and hurting me just like they did. But it wasn’t really Jesus doing that. It was me fighting Him. He was causing me to face and acknowledge the pain from my past so He could heal me. He told me He wanted to break me. I didn’t really understand what He meant and I didn’t want to be “broken” by Him. I had already been broken by others, those who should have loved and nurtured me. The difference in Him breaking me was that it was for my healing, not to abuse me or hurt me even more. It has taken me many years to come to know that God is not man, that He should lie. He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. I can trust Him. So can you.
I had the erroneous idea that afterwards I would be whole and have it altogether. The foolishness of man! We have a God who is Holy and Pure. In order for us to spend eternity with Him, we have to become like Him. That means layer by layer, getting rid of our carnal man.
Romans 12:2 – And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
2 Corinthians 5:17 – Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Jesus told me He has healed me, He has healed the emotional wounds, but He said the brokenness would remain. That is the part where layer by layer He teaches me how to be like Him. In that brokenness, He can use me to touch the lives of others and by His grace and mercy, you won’t have to waste years of your life, but you will be able to be filled with His joy and goodness.
Throughout this website, there will be pieces of who I am and what Jesus has done in my life. It would take a book to get the whole picture, but I pray He uses this website to piece together your life as He has done mine. Even though I fought and resisted allowing Him to take me through this process, I can now look back and see the results of what He has done and the good it has brought about in my life.
