That’s me. Or at least that is who I used to be. God told me that I’ve had to fight to survive most of my life because of the many years of abuse. Satan made me feel I had to accept the abuse and what happened to me and just live with it. I wasn’t allowed to deal with it. I just had to accept it. My feelings and emotions got stuffed down deep inside, becoming a big, gaping, festering wound that caused hate, anger, bitterness and jealousy to grow out of it. Distrust also grew, causing me to build strong, thick walls around my heart, giving me a heart of stone. That is what I had.
Satan and his spirits had moved in. Hate, rebellion, bitterness, jealousy, distrust…it all comes from the devil. Because of the abuse, I stopped hoping for real love and I not only settled for what was being handed out to me, I grabbed hold with both hands and took the only kind of “love” that I felt I was ever going to get, the lust and perversion of the devil. Lies. The lies that this was all I deserved and all I would ever get. He wanted me to believe this was to be my life, and nothing could change it. Not even God. For many years, especially growing up, God didn’t exist in my world.
I had been “introduced” to God when I was about 16, but it wasn’t to the true, living God. It was like it says in 2 Timothy 3:5 “Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof:” The “God” or religion I was introduced to was one where a person goes to church, every Sunday and Wednesday, but you leave the same way you went in. Nothing changes. EVER! That is not the true God.
For those who go to church, but aren’t changed, you do not have a relationship with Jesus. You go to church. If you have never been to the foot of the Cross and had your life turned upside down and right side up, then you are like the one in 2 Timothy 3:5. The rest of that Scripture says “from such turn away.”
What people don’t understand, as Satan and his demonic spirits move in, it squeezes out the real us that God intended for us to be. Our true character is not allowed to develop and mature, and that is the way the devil wants it to be. After years of being beat down, it is hard to trust. It took me many years before I finally allowed Jesus to start working in me and changing me.
Especially as children we are more vulnerable and less able to defend ourselves. When the abuse continues as an adult, it is because we have been “taught” to accept being abused is normal. It makes it harder for us to trust, even God. It is our choice if we choose to allow Jesus to change us. He accepts us as we are, but He changes us into His image.
When we go through things, we must face the truth, face and acknowledge our feelings and emotions and the pain and give it to God. Change is never my idea of fun and once God starts poking around in the dark, hidden places of your life, the pain can be unbearable. And the problem is, He goes straight for the places in your life that you would rather He not go. However, if we do not allow Jesus to poke around in those places that hurt most in our life, we will never be healed.
The picture with this article is the vision that God gave to me when He told me I was a battle-scarred, war-torn old woman. Yes, I know it is a badly photoshopped image, but I couldn’t find one that looked like the vision God gave me, and so I “created” this one.
Did you notice the machine gun sitting on top of that rusty old drum? A machine gun can do a lot of damage. The machine gun is an automatic weapon that is capable of rapid and sustained fire. Most machine guns are belt-fed weapons that fire from 500 to 1,000 rounds per minute and can continue to fire until the supply of ammunition is not exhausted.
There are different classifications of modern machine guns: Light Machine Guns. The light machine gun, also called the squad automatic weapon, is generally operated by one soldier … Medium Machine Guns or general purpose machine guns use 7.62-mm ammunition and are used for firing at more distant targets that are not possible through light machine guns. Medium machine guns require a team of two soldiers …Heavy Machine Guns requires a crew and large ammunition. They can deliver concentrated and devastating firepower …
I’ve been there and done that. The walls I put up to “protect” myself from more abuse and hurt didn’t stop the abuse from happening. What it did was cause hate to spew out of me in any and all directions. What kind of machine gun are you carrying? Don’t you realize the love of God can and does heal those wounds?
While it took me many years to figure this out, I pray You allow Jesus into your heart today and let him chip away at your heart of stone to give you a heart of flesh, His heart. The hate in you only grows, destroying all in its path, including yourself. Let God help you forgive those that have hurt you. It isn’t to let them off the hook. It is to let you off the hook and make you free.
Did you also notice the old woman leaning on the machine gun? Did you notice the lack of protection around her? She was in a wide-open field. Building up walls around our heart is about as effective as that woman with her machine gun. We may “shoot” out our hate and hurt at others but the abuse and hurt still happens to us. Those walls don’t protect us. They only keep us walled up with our hate and bitterness. They keep us from being able to love and truly be loved.
The answer is found in Jesus. When He holds out His hand to us and invites us into His world, and all that it represents, we have found the answer that we have been seeking. His right hand is the symbol of many things, protection, power, the defeat of His enemies, healing, victory, judgment and so much more. He is real, He is here and available to each of us. And on that Cross, Jesus said “it is finished”. He was telling us in: 1 John 3:8 He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil.
I was finally able to see myself at the foot of the Cross, being covered by His Blood that was shed for all of us, and my life has been turned completely around by Jesus. I no longer have to battle to attempt to protect myself. It is a waste of time and energy. Jesus fights for me. He always has, but I just didn’t know it and didn’t believe it. Satan lied to me and told me God didn’t love me and even if He wanted to, He didn’t have the power to save me. God has taken down those walls I built up. He has taught me the truth in His Word and taught me how to fight against the lies of Satan. He has made me free, and I pray you will allow Him to do the same in your life.
If you have any questions or need prayer, my email is Barbara@ehfm.org. Please reach out and let Jesus defeat the works of the devil in your life. In Jesus Name!
A Battle-Scarred, War-Torn, Old Woman
