Being broken by the abuse in my life caused me a lot of shame and humiliation. It caused me to hang my head, not wanting to look people in the eye, afraid that if they got to know me, they would not like me. I was afraid they would see the broken, hurting person I was. So, like most broken, hurting people, I built walls around my heart, and tried to “become invisible” to the world. I avoided the truth and pretended, as much as I could, that I was fine.
When I felt God wanting to “break” me, I fought Him hard. I could barely even admit to myself that I was already broken. Being broken by God is sometimes a bit hard to describe. Sometimes it feels like He is violently shaking you like a two-liter bottle of pop and then He takes His hand off the top and pieces of you fly everywhere. He then takes His sweet time picking and choosing what parts of you He wants to put back together, and what parts He intends to leave out. It leaves you in a bit of a time warp. You know you aren’t the same person you were before, but you aren’t really sure who you are now.
But God, being God, continued on with the process of breaking me. I wanted what He had for me and all the promises He spoke into my life. Like Peter, the disciple of Jesus, who said in Matthew 26:35 “Peter said unto him, Though I should die with thee, yet will I not deny thee. Likewise also said all the disciples.”
I thought I was ready to do what Jesus spoke into my life. But Jesus told Peter in Matthew 26:34 “Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.” Jesus knew what was in Peter. He knew his heart even better than Peter himself. God knew me better than I knew myself. It is easy to lie and deceive ourselves. When we’ve been broken and abused, our perception is twisted and becomes cloudy. We aren’t able to see clearly. It is like looking into a mirror that is cracked.
The process with God should not have taken me as long as it did, but I made it more difficult than it should have been. I didn’t really understand what was happening. It isn’t that God left me completely in the dark. He did speak to me and tell me things, but at the same time, Satan was doing his level best to stop me from understanding. He fed me with so many lies. I also didn’t fully trust God, so, things didn’t go very smoothly and there was more pain than I thought I was able to bear at times.
Of course, looking back, in hindsight, I see so much clearer. Satan was trying to keep me in the prison he had kept me in for much of my life. He had already convinced me that God didn’t have as much power as he had and that since God didn’t stop the abuse, then obviously God didn’t care. That is the way Satan works. It is all lies. God eventually showed me how to recognize the lies of the enemy, disagree with them, tear them down, and not allow him to fill my mind with them.
God’s Word is the truth, and now when I read the Bible it comes alive to me more than ever before. I’ve realized the difference in being broken by the world and being broken by God, is when you are broken by the world, you stay that way. The pain, shame and humiliation never go away. With God, He heals the pain, He takes away the shame and He makes us different. I am now healed, and what happened in my past no longer affects me. I am learning who I am in Christ, and I no longer have to hang my head in shame.
Satan wants to keep us bound up, afraid, ashamed and not ever knowing the truth of who Jesus really is, and His love for us because once we know, we can no longer be held captive. John 8: 36 “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” By refuting the lies of Satan, and by knowing and believing the truth of the Bible, we are made free. Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil, show us the truth and give us life more abundantly.
After tearing down the enemy’s lies, and knowing the truth of Jesus, our journey is still not complete. Galatians 5:1 “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Until the time Jesus comes to take His children home, we still have a battle on our hands. The devil is still roaming free.
He is going to do everything he can to keep us from spending eternity with Jesus. Once we realize the hatred, the enmity between the devil and God’s children, (Genesis 3:15) we need to battle, making sure we don’t become entangled again. The devil has had a lot more years of practice in deceiving us then we have had. He does not have the power of God. The device he uses most is deception, trying to make us believe that he can destroy us. We have to be wise to his ways, but we need to know what the Word says about Jesus. He came to die a horrible death to reconcile us to Him, to heal and deliver us from the strongholds and deception of Satan.
I tried to pretend I wasn’t broken. That only kept me bound up. It never made me free. When God “broke” me, it made me be honest with Him and myself so that I could be made free. It has changed my life. I know who I am in Christ and as I read the Bible, it teaches me more about Jesus and His ways, and how to fight this battle to keep myself from becoming imprisoned ever again. It gave me the freedom to dare to smile and have joy in my life.
I went through some things I wouldn’t have had to go through if I had known the truth and realized what Satan was trying to do, but the battle has not been wasted. It made me become more determined to stay free and it taught me how the enemy works. That is always a good thing. Once you know that, through Jesus, you have a better chance of seeing Satan defeated in your life. Don’t let him win. It not only affects you, but your family and generations after you.
Finding Freedom in Jesus
