I am not a counselor or a professional psychologist or any of those things. I am simply someone who endured many years of abuse, both in childhood and as an adult. Because of living through so much abuse, I thought it was normal, or at least that it was all I deserved. Also, that abuse was all I would ever have in my life. I spent many years with a victim mentality, although I did not recognize it as such. And because abuse was a “normality” for me, it took me a long time to recognize it for what it is.
This article is not able to cover every aspect of abuse. Along with the other articles on this website, I pray it will help someone to be able to relate to their own life and give them hope. This is just a few thoughts on my mind.
Without God, I would never have known anything different. Even after God eventually brought me out of the abuse physically, it took many years to heal from the effects of the abuse. God made a way that seemed impossible to me. The years of healing were probably more painful than the abuse itself. That is because during the abuse, one is so busy fighting to survive life that they don’t have time to process the hurt.
If the abuse started in childhood, that makes it hard to overcome as an adult. Usually, the abuse continues in relationships, or the person becomes an abuser themselves because they have not dealt with what happened. I know there are counselors and such that can help, but they can be expensive and unless they are trained in abuse counseling, they can cause more harm than good.
God took me through the healing process without any outside help. It was difficult to have to face and acknowledge that I was a victim. Remembering the abuse and acknowledging that it happened was very painful. It was reliving what had happened. This is why many people try to push through life acting or pretending like it never happened. They want to act as if the abuse is in the past and now, they can just go on with life. But that doesn’t help.
Distrust rises up and keeps them from being able to trust a spouse. Sometimes they take their past out on their spouse, making them pay for something they didn’t do. Trying to control people and every situation is another issue that will ruin relationships and cause even more hurt, although the one trying to control the situation, doesn’t see how much pain and hurt and destruction they are causing.
Building walls around oneself is another way we try to keep from getting hurt even more. But that doesn’t work either. Not wanting to admit to yourself that you are in an abusive situation also keeps you from getting out of abuse. To acknowledge that to oneself, makes one feel like they are weak.
One of the first steps to getting out of the abuse is being able to recognize it for what it is. God showed me why it took so long for me to recognize I was abused. By the abusers actions they told me it was okay for them to abuse me and that I had no right to feel hurt. Each time they abused me they reinforced that. They denied my reality and my perception of reality.
Yet something would rise up in me trying to make the abuse stop. It created a constant war inside me, causing confusion. I didn’t want to admit I was in abuse, yet I knew that I was. The abuser kept telling me I wasn’t being abused. Sometimes we need someone to reinforce the fact that we are being abused and that we do have a right to feel hurt. That may not make sense to someone who has never been abused. The abuse causes confusion. One-minute things may seem normal and okay in your adult relationships, but the next minute, all hell breaks loose.
The abuse will continue, and the victim continues to become even more confused and open to the abuse, until they are able to see it for what it is. The abuser will continue to reinforce that the victim is the cause of the abuse because if they had not done this or done that then the abuse would not have happened. The extent or degree of the abuse affects the ability to recognize the abuse and the length of time it will take them to be healed.
The abuser does not want their victim to understand that the abuse has nothing to do with what the victim does or does not do. It is all about the abuser’s desire to hurt someone, to rule over someone and to make themselves feel better and more important. Usually, the abuser is someone who has also been abused and has such low self-esteem that they believe the only way they can “be somebody” is by stepping on someone else, doing what was done to them.
This gives them such a feeling of “empowerment” that they continue to abuse and rule over others, building themselves up until they have convinced themselves that the victim “deserves” the abuse. They cannot and will not take responsibility for their own actions because they would have to admit to their own deficiencies and shortcomings.
The abuser would have to admit the problem lies with them and is not the fault of the victim. Many times they refuse to deal with what happened to them, therefore they will continue their abusive behavior. They are repeating what was done to them.
God did for me what was impossible for me to do myself. He held onto me and led me in this healing process. I’m not sure how people can actually heal from a lot of abuse without Jesus. It was hard enough for me with Him. He not only healed me from the abuse and the effects of the abuse, but He has also turned my life around, making me to be who He meant for me to be. I don’t have the same characteristics or personality anymore. I’m not hiding behind walls but I have learned to take my hurts to Him.
It is a whole new life for me, even though there will always be something come up that I will have to work through. But Jesus has not let all those years of abuse go to waste. He is using me to show other women a way out. He uses me to help them recognize the abuse for what it is and helps me teach them about a real relationship with Him. Jesus has all the answers, and He knows what we need more than we ever could figure out. Ask Him into your life and cry out to Him for help. He will answer.
Recognizing Abuse for What it is
