To help me deal with some unforgiveness in my heart because of all the abuse I’ve gone through, I’ve been writing letters to those who hurt me. The letters are more for me than for those they are addressed to. A couple of the letters were really hard. The one to my mother’s parents caused me to hit a brick wall because they represented the generational bloodline that has included abuse and a lot of other things that have been passed down even before my grandparents. The other letter that was hard was to my earthly dad because he caused a lot of the abuse.
The letter that has been the hardest was the one to God. I’ve barely begun writing it. I saved it for the end because to be honest, I knew there would be things that I was going to have to face and repent of. I was so broken and in abuse for so long that deep down I have been angry at God. Like most things, I just shoved it down and tried to ignore it. I’ve come a long way. I’ve come down a long, hard road but if it weren’t for God, I would not be where I am.
God tried for years to get me to understand the truth of who He is, but I could not receive it. After years of going through some rough roads, a lot of things have changed for me. As I started writing this letter to God, I asked Him to show me truth and give me understanding. By the end of page one, He started showing me the plain truth of who He is. He reminded me of the story of Job in the Bible. If you have never read it, I encourage you to do so.
Job 1:1 (KJV) “There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.” This is God’s description of who Job was. But as we go through the story there are a couple things that stand out and that can help us understand maybe why Job went through what he did. I’m not a Bible scholar and this is what I’ve personally gotten out of this story, and what has helped me in my own relationship with God.
Job 3:25-26 (KJV) “25 For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. 26 I was not in safety, neither had I rest, neither was I quiet; yet trouble came.” Job feared. Job had something in him that was not given over to God. And that was fear. The Bible tells us that God has not given us a spirit of fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Anything in us that we have not allowed God to deal with is going to hinder us and cause us problems. God wants everything that is not of Him. Job also feared God, but that is a different fear. In this instant it is a reverent fear, an awe of God. In Job 3:25 it means to be in dread. The other thing that got me in the story of Job, is that the devil went after what I believe were idols in Job’s life, his family and his wealth. We can love our family, but it seemed to me that Job was obsessed in some ways. Job 1:5 (KJV) “And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually.”
Maybe I’m wrong, but the point is those are the areas that were attacked in Job’s life and the devil usually isn’t going to attack something that means nothing to us. Also, God is going to go after the things in us that are not pleasing to Him.
I brought up this story because as I was writing this letter, I feel God was showing me a truth about Him that I haven’t understood. Even Job had to go through all that he did before he understood it. Job 42:5 (KJV) “I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.” After going through things that would cause most of us to turn away from God, it caused Job to see God in a whole new light, in the truth of who God really is. It caused Job to say in verse 6 “Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”
It caused Job to repent. Before starting to write this letter, I knew I had used a lot of excuses that would not have been accepted by God on the day of judgment. Yes, I endured a lot of abuse. Yes, I was broken. Yes, I needed a lot of healing and deliverance. But I allowed the devil to tell me lies about God. They were not true. I couldn’t believe that God loved me because I had never experienced God’s love. I had put walls up so thick that I couldn’t receive God’s love anyway. I had been hurt so much that I could only “see” God as being like my earthly dad and husband.
He is nothing like them. It has taken me years to be able to allow God to love me and show me truth. I didn’t care if my story brought glory to God. I was angry at Him for “allowing” me to go through such trauma. Another truth I had to learn was that God wasn’t to blame for what others did to me. Or what I have done to others. I had to learn that God gave us free will to choose what we do. If we choose to hurt someone else, God won’t stop us. I know that He does protect us from some things. His Word says that no weapon formed against us shall prosper. Jesus allowed Lazarus to die. He knew He was going to bring Lazarus back to life. Lazarus, like Job and the rest of us, then have free will to choose if we will receive God or reject Him.
Job chose to receive God’s chastisement. And his life was restored. He received double. As I asked God to show me truth, He instantly did so. And this time I was able to receive that truth. God has everything I need for healing and for restoring all that the devil stole from me. Those that abused me chose to allow the devil to use them. Even if they didn’t understand that, it is still truth. As I finish writing this letter to God, I know that there are still things I have to face and repent of, like allowing to believe the lies the devil told me.
God had told me there would be very little of my life left unexposed. Many things are a bit hard and embarrassing to admit, but God knows there are a lot of people that have experienced the same things as I have, and there are some who can avoid the same mistakes by reading and knowing my testimony. I chose to focus on what God is going to do and how He is going to use my faults and flaws to encourage someone else. I had always struggled to understand why God refused to explain to Job what had happened and then for Him to chastise Job!!! But now I know. Now I understand and I look forward to God restoring my life. If I would choose to continue being angry at God and blaming Him for what the devil did, I would never know the abundant blessings that I am about to see in my life.
A Letter to God
