For many years I allowed the devil to deceive me and keep me in bondage. I read and studied the Bible for years. I went to church for years. And yet I missed one very important element, a real relationship with Jesus. It’s not that He didn’t work in me and speak to me, but I wanted to use Him for my own purposes. I wanted Him to be like a genie in a bottle or a fairy godmother. There are a lot of people who “need” Jesus, but that is only for the purpose of getting out of the mess we are in.
After years of wanting Jesus to take me out of the abuse, and then years of healing, I finally figured out, with some help, that I didn’t really want to live for Him. When I was praying one day, He gave me a vision. In my mind I saw the image of the beating Jesus went through, then the scourging, and then I saw Him walking towards Calvary, bearing the weight of the Cross. He showed me an image of me walking behind Him, cursing Him. He never looked back but continued steadfastly going forward. I followed Him up that hill and watched as they laid that Cross down on the ground.
But then I saw something that caused me to throw myself over him and to find true repentance in my heart. Jesus himself got down on that Cross. The Roman soldiers did not lay Him down on that Cross. Jesus laid down His life for me, for each of us. John 10:18 “No man taketh it from me, but I lay it down of myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again. This commandment have I received of my Father.”
Jesus was talking to the Jews when He told them this. Their response was like what many of us would say. In John 10:19-21, 19 There was a division therefore again among the Jews for these sayings. 20 And many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him? 21 Others said, These are not the words of him that hath a devil. Can a devil open the eyes of the blind?
Many said He had a devil and was crazy. But in the vision Jesus was showing me, it opened my blinded eyes. When I saw that image of Jesus literally laying down on that Cross, so much has changed in my life and is continuing to change. I realized God made me. He created me. The Bible is His story for us. It tells of His might and power and who He is. When I look at my life, I see weakness, blindness, powerlessness, brokenness, deafness, ignorance, unrighteousness, no value and so much more. That isn’t what I see when reading the Bible with new eyes.
Awakening to the truth is totally changing my life. Trying to make Jesus do what I wanted, was a long, hard fight. While He did eventually take me out of the abuse, and He has healed me, if I would lived for Him and sought His Kingdom, my life could have turned out so different! Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Seek God, seek His Kingdom, live for Him, and He will take care of the hurts and wounds and pain and brokenness in our life. God wanted me to be out of the abuse and to be healed, but I wanted Him to do it my way. I fought Him because I already had so much pain and hurt in my life, that I could not handle the thought of living for Jesus after reading the Bible. Scriptures like these made me want to run away:
Matthew 5:10 – Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:44 – But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; Luke 6:22 – Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man’s sake. John 15:18 – If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. 2 Timothy 3:12 – Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.
I wanted the blessings of God because I needed hope and healing, not more hurt, so I just wanted these kinds of Scripture: Philippians 4:19 – But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. James 1:17 – Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. 3 John 1:2 – Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. Jeremiah 17:7-8 Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit.
I’ve realized that when we are broken by life, it is hard to be able to see past our own pain. Maybe it isn’t like that for some people. I’m sure there are some people who “live for Jesus”, but some are also doing it to hide from their own hurt and brokenness. There is a balance to be found. We can live for Jesus, comforting and encouraging others, while allowing Him to heal us. I was so broken that I couldn’t even do that. My heart was so hard that I couldn’t handle the pain of others. Or maybe that was just the devil telling me that. He kept me deceived for a very long time.
After the vision that God gave me, and after making me realize it isn’t about using Him for my purposes, but allowing Him to use me for His purposes, my life is finally changing. The Scriptures are coming alive in a new way for me. He is taking out all the old feelings of inadequacy and has revealed the lies and deception of the enemy, and God is replacing them, letting me see what His Word says about me. Sometimes, it is embarrassing to think about how deceived I was. But now God is using my story to help others know that if they apply themselves, they also can be set free. God is using my testimony, my brokenness to share with others to tell them that God sent His Son to die for us, to have life more abundantly as in John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.
He came to reconcile us to Himself. KJV Dictionary Definition: reconciliation is “The act of reconciling parties at variance; renewal of friendship after disagreement or enmity. Reconciliation and friendship with God, really form the basis of all rational and true enjoyment.” 2 Corinthians 5:19 To wit, that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
Reconciliation comes through true repentance. Acts 2:38 – Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. Acts 3:19 – Repent ye therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord;
The KJV New Testament Greek Lexicon describes repentance as; to change one’s mind for better, heartily to amend with abhorrence of one’s past sins.
Since having that vision, I have repented of allowing myself to be used of the devil, for believing his lies, and for not seeking the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. It is still a process, a journey with Jesus, but He has given me a desire to seek Him more, to know the truth of who He is and who I am in Him.
A New Season with Jesus
