Being abused my whole childhood didn’t give me a running start in life. I wasn’t allowed to think for myself or make choices, and my personality and character was not allowed to be developed. I became a child of the devil through choices made by my parents. When I left home and got married at 17, the abuse continued. It was all I knew. I didn’t choose to get married; I was told we were going to. Because of being told what to do my entire childhood, I had learned to do what I was told.
Even when I said yes to Jesus, nothing really changed. Little things, but not my character or who I was supposed to be. I wasn’t exactly trusting God either, even though He was trying to get me to understand who He is. The only “love” I knew was the lust of the devil. It didn’t help that I just wanted God to make the abuse stop. I didn’t really want to serve Him, and I didn’t think I needed to change. The abuse came from others, so I thought everything was their fault. A lot of people are like this. Yes, the abuse came from others, but we have to stop being a victim. At some point, we have to deal with the effects of the abuse and what we have become.
It doesn’t matter if it is the fault of others. We have to understand that unless we want to stay a victim, we have to change. We also have to realize that we are a sinner and if we truly want God in our lives, we have to take responsibility for who we are, whether it is our fault or not. Sometimes we have to take baby steps in our healing process to be able to get to that point in our lives where change is possible. The more we allow God access to every area of our life, the quicker we can be healed and be strong enough to deal with the harder things.
God has been dealing with me for a while now on things that need to change in my life. On November 2, 2021, after years of thinking I was right with Him, He brought me to the Cross and since then my life has begun to change in greater depths. At one point God told me that I had fought Him hard in the breaking process. I didn’t understand things because I hadn’t been able to “get” what God was trying to tell me. But now I’ve been able to allow Him to deal with me in greater depth. For instance, God made me see that I had a lot of animosity towards Him. After spending my whole childhood in abuse, and then enduring many years in an abusive marriage, I was so angry at God for not stopping the abuse. As most of us do, we deceive ourselves and won’t admit the truth. Usually, the abuse will cause us to fall into a fantasy world where we don’t have to deal with reality. Reality is truth.
God has shown me that I had animosity towards Him. I thought that meant that I had some anger towards Him, but never researched the meaning of that before. Oh my, was I in for a shock. First thing it means is “A deep-seated ill will;” And then it continued with this list:
| hostility | hatred | grudge | enmity |
| antagonism | bitterness | tension | rancor |
| feud | antipathy | animus | friction |
| malice | jaundice | bad blood | discord |
| gall | vindictiveness | alienation | vendetta |
| hate | disaffection | loathing | virulence |
| vitriol | estrangement | conflict | unfriendliness |
| spite | score | blood feud | malignity |
| spitefulness | venom | malignancy | coolness |
| strain | inhospitableness |
I’ve never even heard of some of these words. But the ones I do know were enough to drop me to my knees, especially as I have come to realize that God gave man free-will. It is when the devil comes in and is allowed legal right to take over a person that he changes their personality and character into complete and total darkness. This is why even though it may not be our fault for the way we become, we have to allow God to work in us and change us. We have to change. We have to allow God complete access into every area of our lives. It will take time, but it is completely worth it. I’ve never had a lot of joy in my life, but I’m beginning to. To be able to laugh, to have friends, to know God’s love is worth all the pain I’ve had to go through as God worked in me to change me.
Check your antagonism level. Ask God to show you. Ask Him to help you change. God had told me that I’ve had to fight to survive life, but now I have to learn how to enjoy life. The only way to do that is by allowing Him total access to you.