Sometimes I stand amazed, trying so hard to grasp hold in my mind how God has changed me and turned my life around. I look in the mirror, and I don’t look any different. Older obviously but still the same me. It is on the inside where the change occurred. I reflect on the spirits the devil sent my way to destroy me. Generational spirits from my parents and grandparents of hate, jealousy, lust, perversion, and others. I look back on my life and realize I’ve never loved myself.
The people in my life that should have loved me and nurtured me and taught me, they never loved me. Therefore, I grew up never loving myself. I was abused and used and thrown away as if I didn’t matter. If we are not loved, it is hard to give love, because how can we give something we have never received. Those who suffer abuse are not given the proper nurturing and love that God intended for us to have.
Even after receiving Jesus into my life, I didn’t have enough of the fruit of the Spirit to give or receive love. I had the wrong relationship with Jesus. I used Him. I wanted Him to make the abuse to stop. After He finally brought me out of the abuse, I wanted Him to heal me and make me whole. I realize I never really wanted a relationship with Him, I just wanted what He could give me, to satisfy my own selfish needs and wants.
By the grace of God, He did bring me out of the abuse, and He caused me to go through the very painful process of healing, and because He is faithful to who He is, and I wanted those things, He did them. But then He told me I wasn’t right with Him. After spending years sitting on a church pew, reading the Bible and even praying, God loved me enough to show me I wasn’t right with Him. He let me know, that even though He had done all those things for me, if He would have come back to get His bride, I would not have made it.
I am glad that Jesus loved me enough to show me that. He used somebody to take me to the Cross and show me the truth. He made me see and understand just what He did for me and for all of us. His choice to lay His life down on that Cross to reconcile us with Him showed me His love for me. He made it real in my life. Without the Cross we would all spend eternity in hell, and we would all remain broken and hurting in this life. Our wounds would not heal, and the devil would have us all oppressed with demonic spirits that are sent to kill, steal and destroy us.
Jesus came to destroy the works of Satan and he did that on the Cross. Satan thought he had won, until Jesus arose from that tomb. We now can have victory and be healed and be overcomers. We will never be “whole” until we meet Jesus face to face, simply because we live in a sin-filled, broken world.
Jesus told me also that the brokenness in my life would remain. There is always something I need to relearn or learn because of the abuse, or just by being on earth. I thought after Jesus healed me that I would be whole and by that I meant that I would no longer be broken and that I would have it all together, and probably find myself not needing Jesus anymore. Instead, he has shown me that it is my brokenness that is drawing other broken people to me so that He can use me to help them and teach them about Jesus.
I’m seeing the results of choosing to be real with other women. I can share my struggles with them and honestly show them what Jesus did in me. I can show them we can be overcomers. We can be healed, and that Jesus is the reason we can have our lives turned around. We no longer have to have a victim mentality or allow ourselves to be used or believe that we have no value. I can’t fix people, but God can use me to lead them to Him. He uses me to tell them truth, to show them through what He has done in me, that their lives can be different.
Jesus turned my life around. He is giving me confidence to be who He meant for me to be. He is teaching me to love and forgive myself, and making it possible to love others, as He loves. He is teaching me to listen for and seek His heartbeat, which is souls. He had a plan for my life that I never thought possible. The abuse made me withdrawal from people and not want to be around them or trust them.
I lived like and introvert with walls up all around me so I could protect myself from being hurt. Isn’t that ridiculous!!! It didn’t make them stop doing what they were doing. It didn’t stop them from hurting me. It was only the devil lying to me, convincing me that those spirits were my friend. They aren’t. And I will forever be changed because God did in me what He did, even when I wasn’t right with Him.
It changed my life. And now I have a relationship with Jesus that continues to grow and get better every day. It is ironic that to have that relationship, He has called me to submit, surrender, yield and obey Him. He said if I would get down before Him, that He would lift me up. He is giving my life purpose and uses me to lead others to Him in truth. He is shining His light through me. I am learning to love through Him, to love who He has made me to be and to love others so they can have changed lives and be who He meant for them to be. I wouldn’t change this for anything!
Turning My Life Around
